My Past | My Present

This week has been a rather tiring one. Tiring as in both mentally and physically. Physically tiring for I had to prepare for my promotional grading, memorising all the list of movements. Mentally in the sense that I had two tests to study for, and at the same time I had to be bothered by something rather ridiculous.

I'm quite happy tonight because my promotional grading went smoothly. Passing is definitely not a problem. However, I was pretty disappointed with myself. I was not really on form tonight and didn't perform certain techniques to the best I could have. There is still just so, so much room for improvement. I hope my movements can be more steady next time. I gotta train harder. It's during the trainings when I can focus on nothing else but the target in front of me. It feels much better than taking up a CCA in school, as the latter focuses mostly on preparing students for competitions and tends to forget to let them have fun and enjoy what they are doing. The only regret I have is not picking up this hobby earlier.

Did I mention that I did think of leaving Singapore upon graduation? It's not that I don't like it here. It's not that I won't miss my friends.. But I thought things may turn out better if I just migrate somewhere faraway and start everything all over again. New friends, new house, new environment, etc. I'm not sick of anything here.. It's just that I want to get away from where someone might appear. Should I or should I not? I'm definitely gonna miss all my friends here should I be leaving someday.. But if that's the price I have to pay to in order to 'live again', I will do it without any hesitation.

I hope certain memories can slowly be eroded away from my mind. I don't want to be haunted by them for the rest of my life. How I wish my brain can be a removable hard disk, so that I can choose to delete away any unwanted data in my memory. I've heard of something known as selective memory loss, is there a way to achieve that? I feel like giving that a try.. Hmm maybe I should do some research on that soon.

I really, really wonder what had happened to me. I thought I used to be pretty optimistic. I thought I was much more mentally stronger than I am now. I thought I used to smile much more than I do now.. What had happened? What had gone wrong? I don't really like the way I am now. I feel so useless.

__________________________

You didn't ruin my life.

You merely destroyed it.

But I don't blame you.